Substitute
by Ariicia
Summary: Substitute Shinigami may be easy to find, but substitute Arrancar Encyclopedia hosts are a totally different story. T for language.


Gin, who wants to go investigate Ulquiorra's second release now that his eyes have healed, has a dilemma. If he leaves, who's gonna take over the Arrancar Encyclopedia? His choice of person...might not've been all that smart...

* * *

_"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU GORILLA!"_

_"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GORILLA, SKUNK? MOVE IT, SUNG-SUN! UNLESS YOU WANNA DIE TOO!"_

_"I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN, FISHFA-GWAHH!"_

Ichigo Kurosaki walked into the Arrancar Encyclopedia broadcast room...to see Apacci's horn flying straight at his face...

_"WHAT WAS THAT FOR? YOU ASK ME TO COME ON THIS 'URGENT SITUATION' AND THROW THIS PIG AT ME? YOU TRYING TO KILL ME OR-"_

_"DAMNIT, SUNG-SUN, WHAT WAS THAT FOR! AND WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"_

" I thought perhaps you simpletons could actually gain some brain function if your heads were merged together. Oh. Maybe I should've tripped the monkey-head too then."

_"SUNG-SUN, YOU BITCH!"_

_"I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE I KILL THIS CONEHEAD!"_

"WHAT THE HELL'S A CONEHEAD, YOU DUMBASSES? IT'S CALLED A - LET ME GO, GIN! WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Gin, who was not interested in a repeat of the last hour, dragged Ichigo away from the commotion that currently surrounded the three Fraccion.

"Ahh, how should'I say 'dis...well, there's 'dis strange bat-like thing tha's been floatin' round in Las Noches fer a while now, and'I think Aizen-taicho maybe kinda would wan'me ta see what it is an'...I'm lookin' fer someone ta take o'er the segment for -"

"NO FUCKING WAY! EXPERIENCE IS NOT A FACTOR IN THIS!" Ichigo interrupted

"Hold'on, Ichigoo, I ain't lookin' fer you ta do this...you can't do it well anyway. But Harribel-san here, tha's another story. I's hopin' ya can help me convince'er ta do it." Gin indicated Harribel, who was sitting quietly watching her Fraccion deck it out in the studio. It seemed as if she wasn't listening...  
"Jus think 'bout how many guys'd watch jus'ta see her Resurrecio-"

Gin Ichimaru clearly does not learn from only getting drenched once.

"Never mind."

"DAMNIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? YOU CRAZY WOMAN, YOU WANNA START SOMETHING?" Ichigo, clearly not used to angering Espada-levelled women, did not take being waterfalled well.

"You needed a good drenching."

_"YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU ANGER HARRIBEL-SAMA AND TALK SHIT TO HER! YOU WANNA GET KILLED, DON'T YOU!"_

"Cut it out, Apacci. If he wants to become shark-bait for Harribel-sama, that's his choice."

_"SHARK-BAIT? YOU'RE CALLING ME FISH FOOD! BRING IT ON, I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!"_

"Oh my. Seems like combining the three of them would be quite a bad idea. The world itself would vomit out of disgust."

_"SAY THAT AGAIN, SUNG-SUN!"_

_"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY THAT!"_

_"YOU TOO? BRING IT, I'LL TAKE ALL THREE OF YOU! BANKAI!"_

_"THRUST, CIERVA!"_

_"DAMN IT, APACCI, YOU WANNA DO THIS? FINE, DEVOUR! LEONA!"_

"Oh, you're playing dress-up? It doesn't make any of you look any less hideous, you know."

_"SCREW OFF, SUNG-SUN!"_

_"YOU'RE DEAD!"_

_"GETSUGA TEN-"_

"Strangle, Anaconda."

_"WRRAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR R!"_

"Hey, hey, can'tcha do somethin' bout'em? Please? I'll stop bein' annoying fer the rest of life! Err, death..."

Harribel seemed to seriously consider his offer for a few seconds.

"There's no need. They won't use Chimerca Parca like this."

* * *

Arrancar encyclopedia!

Er, today, we won' be talkin' bout anything...there was a tiny lil' crisis here in the studio an' everythin's kinda been destroyed. Tha's why ya don't see anythin' - all the cameras an' screens are broken. They should stop soon though, an' we'll be right back on once-

_"MOVE IT, YOU DINGBAT!"_

_"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A DINGBAT, YOU COW?! I'M A FUCKING HUMAN, ULQUIORRA'S THE DAMN BAT!"_

_"Did something happen to your eyes? Or are they just decorations?"_

_"Sung-sun! You're missing the point!"_

_"Oh, feeling left out? I saw no need to mention you. Not even Apacci could mistake you for anything other than a gorilla."_

_"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A GORILLA, YOU BITCH?"_

_"WHAT WAS THAT? ARE YOU SUGGESTING SOMETHING?"_

_"HEY, DON'T IGNORE ME, DAMNIT!"_

...never mind.

**Harribel's Fraccion are the best. They totally should've had an entire A.E. segment devoted just to them.**

**Hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
